The most important ingredient in bread is…THE BREAD!!!!!!!!
This “Eggplant Pull-Apart Bread'”
I know bread when I see bread and THIS AIN'T NO BREAD!!!!!! Why even put the word in there. It's a baked eggplant with cheese! Call it a FRIGGIN' BAKED EGGPLANT WITH CHEESE. Don't do bread dirty like that!!!!!
These “Avocado Pickles”
It would be so easy for me to not be mad at this if they just swapped the words around. These are not pickles. They are avocados. They are avocados that have been pickled. Therefore they are pickled avocados. Saying it out loud makes me feel better already.
The “Cotton Candy Ice Cream Burrito”
Just because something is rolled up inside another thing does not maketh that thingeth a burritoeth. This is just a cotton candy and ice cream roll up, nowhere near the excellence of a burrito.
This “Ramen Pizza”
Tsk tsk tsk. Shame on whoever thought this qualifies as pizza!! That's just ramen that's baked and in a rectangle shape!!!!! And man, what happened to the good ol' days when ramen didn't need to pretend to be pizza??? Kids these days!
And also this “Sushi Pizza”
You can't even fold this in half to eat! Not a pizza! Sad!!!!
This “Pickle Guacamole”
While I will admit that this dish does resemble guacamole and even contains the key ingredient in guac, this is by no means guacamole. This recipe is offensive to guacamole and all that it stands for. It gives guac a bad name. It is a dark mark on the guacamole empire. Let's just call it pickle puke and move on with our lives!!
This “Tomato Soup Cake”
This is not a soup, and it is also not a cake. It's just an abomination and doesn't deserve a proper name anyway.
This “Cereal Cake”
The best thing about cake is that it's made of cake. ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS IS MADE OF CAKE? Nah fam! Looks to me like it's a very large assortment of rice crispy treats and other cereals that I will admit are shaped like a cake. But shape does not make the cake. Cake makes the shape. Idk.
These “Asian Style Ribs”
Spoiler alert: These aren't ribs! They are mushrooms. I understand that they are trying to be like ribs, but sometimes you just gotta admit you're a mushroom and move on! I'm personally renaming these “Asian BBQ Mushrooms” for my own sanity.
This “Cotton Candy Pizza”
Might look like a pizza, but this is in fact not a pizza. According to the pizza theorem, pizza = good. This^ = Bad. Which means This ≠ pizza. Math is science and science is fact!
This “Bacon Cheeseburger Sushi”
Just because you stuff some meat into a thing and push it out like a big turd and then wrap it in bacon does not give you the right to call it sushi! I don't see any rice! I don't sea any seaweed! I just see a weird burger concoction being unnecessarily eaten with chopsticks!!! I'm not ok!!!!!
This “Cheese Wheel Wedding Cake”
I'll admit that there are cheese wheels here, so at least they got one thing right! But yet again, we have a case of a mistaken cake! This is just cheese stacked on top of more cheese. I love cheese and would welcome this cheese tower at any function of mine, but…my friends, this is not cake!
This “Spaghetti Pie”
FIRST of all, we all know this isn't a pie. That's not even a pie pan! So if anything it would be a cake. SECOND of all, there's no pie crust and no pie filling. Everything I enjoy about pie is missing from this “pie.” Which is why this is just baked spaghetti! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!!
This “Crustless Pepperoni Pizza”
When they said crustless, I guess I was expecting like…no crust on the perimeter. BUT TURNS OUT THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS SANS ALL CRUST/DOUGH/BREAD. It's just melted cheese with pepperoni on top. IN fact they should call this dish “Just Hot Cheese and Pepperoni.” This is not a pizza. NOT A PIZZA AT ALL!!!!!!
This “Shredded Duck Lasagna”
My Italian grandma is rolling over in her bed (she's alive ppl) about this not-lasagna!!! Where the cheese at? Where the tomato sauce at? Where the pasta that is literally called lasagna at? Until the name of this dish is formally changed to “Layers of Duck and Stuff” I will not take one bite.
And finally, this “7up Salad”
If that's a salad, then my name is Barbara and I'm 67 years old with two kids and 16 dogs! My husband left me 10 years ago when he found out I am sexually attracted to marshmallows. Now I spend my days selling dreamcatchers out the back of my 2004 PT Cruiser.